I was visiting Trader Joe's this past week (that store can distract me for an entire hour, looking for nothing in particular), searching through all of the gluten-free bread loaf options that they offered, debating if I wanted to take my usual choice home, or if I wanted to be wild and try a different brand.
I heard the voice of a young woman, probably my age, as she walked behind me down the aisle. Her tone was slightly irritated, but wouldn't be classified as disrespectful by any means, when she said to the man she was with, "That's not what I meant. You're reading way too much into it."
BAM.
A wave of anxiety rushed over me, and I immediately was on edge to hear his response. Nervous that he was about to lash back verbally, if not with rude words, then with a biting tone. Because when I used to make the harmless declaration that something was being read into much too far, that's the response I knew would then follow.
BAM.
A wave of anxiety rushed over me, and I immediately was on edge to hear his response. Nervous that he was about to lash back verbally, if not with rude words, then with a biting tone. Because when I used to make the harmless declaration that something was being read into much too far, that's the response I knew would then follow.
I had to consciously snap myself back to the here-and-now. (Or the there-and-then, however you want to call it.)
I tuned back in just in time to hear the boyfriend answer, "Alright, I believe you." And then after a pause, "Hey, I think we need more bagels."
And that was the first time I realized that my most recent relationship has affected me subconsciously more than, to this point, I had realized.
And that was the first time I realized that my most recent relationship has affected me subconsciously more than, to this point, I had realized.
It's not normal to be jumped on, the second your tone mildly slips and bares your slight irritation with a situation. It's not normal to have to play in your head the words you are choosing to speak before you voice them, concerned that something you say will set your counterpart off and you will, as a result, be forced to deal with a manic anxiety episode late into the night.
And it took me months too long to grasp that for myself. And here I am, nine months after the fact, and months into legitimately and honestly feeling like I'm passed the hurt and the emotions that come with a break up of that caliber and of that emotional weight. I thought I was free and in the clear.
Who knew I'd be sideswiped with a flashback in the bread aisle?
***
And it took me months too long to grasp that for myself. And here I am, nine months after the fact, and months into legitimately and honestly feeling like I'm passed the hurt and the emotions that come with a break up of that caliber and of that emotional weight. I thought I was free and in the clear.
Who knew I'd be sideswiped with a flashback in the bread aisle?
***
7 comments :
L,
Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I know how much it hurts. 5 years later I still find myself apologizing for things I didn't do wrong, walking on eggshells to make sure I am pleasing everyone, and getting sick to my stomach anytime I see an engagement ring. It hits you out of no where and leaves ur chest in knots all day.
I feel so bad u had this occurrence because u are such a positive person and I feel look up to you for encouragement. Trust me it does get better.
Haha if I ever get to LA we are so getting drinks!
C
Ohhhh girl do I ever know what you're talking about. But like I always say, things happen for a reason. You learn a lot from tough relationships...I know I have. And now I am in the best relationship I've ever had. It's when you realize that really the person you need to please is yourself that you start being the best person you can be for others.
Ok, silver lining coming to the rescue! Although it sucks that it still affects you :( I am glad that you now realize it, and can pick it up in an instant. Sometimes we don't realize how tone and words can affect the other person in the relationship until we see it happen in someone else's. It was a rough lesson to learn, but you did, made it through, and learned from it :) I'm proud of you for handling it as long as you did!
Funny how that happens isnt it. I find myself holding my breath in similar situations when talking with LT and then realizing, it's ok. He isn't the guy from my past, he isn't like that
I've been married for over two years now and I still have habits and reactions that I developed in response to a past relationship... a relationship that was almost ten years ago! Luckily for me my husband is aware and is patient with me. I'm working on it and constantly tell myself that my husband is not the ex, my husband is not the ex.
Oh wow girl. Then again, I believe whatever we all go through always influences us over the years. We may forget most of it, and ignore most of it too for that matter but just a word or a phrase or something will always sadly stick to us. :(
Hang in there...and next time you hang out at Trader's know you're not the only one that could spend hours in there. I never go in with a purpose but end up buying things I feel are "necessary". ;)
Awe! I definitely know the feeling! I think that sometimes I am a little unfair to Rich in certain circumstances as well how I handle certain events. I am WAY better than I used to be, of course! :-)
What a place to reflect - who knew that in TJ you would have this revelation! ha
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