25 is the year that I will look back on and remember, That's when I started to feel not-as-young anymore.
You can call it a quarter life realization - if you like - but I don't really think it deserves the negative connotation that comes along with that sort of a title.
The other day, my younger sister and I stepped out for lunch, and we found ourselves standing behind three high school aged girls. They reeked of seventeen-year-old cockiness, and Little Sister and I exchanged a snicker and rolled our eyes as they talked trash about their classmates and dished about their new Mercedes and BMWs. After the fact though, I found myself reminiscing on my own high school days, thinking of how heavy I felt my life was at that point, but not realizing how light I actually should have been perceiving it all to be.
Tonight, I was listening to Tim McGraw's Greatest Hits album on the way home from Big Sister's house. Something Like That came on, and I sank into the lyrics of the song.
It was Labor Day weekend, I was seventeen,
bought a coke and some gasoline,
and I drove out to the county fair.
When I saw her for the first time,
she was standin' there in that ticket line,
and it all started right then and there.
Oh, a sailor's sky made a perfect sun set,
and that's a day I'll never forget.
Remember those days? The carefree ones, where the most important people in the world were your best friends, and the adrenaline rush that you'd get from simply passing your crush in the hall could last you all afternoon. When kissing the boy you liked was a thought that thrilled you and simultaneously petrified you, and the thought of heading off to college and exploring the great unknown felt like the scariest/saddest/most exciting thing in the world.
And here I find myself at 25, still feeling like I have endless possibilities ahead of me. But then ... I look at my friends around me and see them becoming engaged, getting married, having their first baby, and then having baby number two. And I then I sink deep into that thoughtful place.
And here I find myself at 25, still feeling like I have endless possibilities ahead of me. But then ... I look at my friends around me and see them becoming engaged, getting married, having their first baby, and then having baby number two. And I then I sink deep into that thoughtful place.
When I was in New York, where it was not socially acceptable to be anything but single until at least your 30th birthday, it was different. But even here in Los Angeles, I am beginning to find myself feeling like I need to start inching toward getting my "grown up life" together. And since I have had my career together for quite a while now, I have to deduce that this means my subconscious is pushing me to figure out my relationship status - and sooner rather than later. Which quite frankly sucks, especially when my heart can still remember how much it hurt the last time I had to deal with decisions about a relationship.
Then, through the speakers in my car, came My Next Thirty Years.
Which just forced the wheels in my mind to turn even faster.
Then, through the speakers in my car, came My Next Thirty Years.
I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years
Which just forced the wheels in my mind to turn even faster.
Tim McGraw wrote a song about his thirty year mark.
Thirty years!
And it was song worthy?!
Not to mention that when I'd heard the song in the past, it felt so far off for me. It felt like when I'd finally relate to that song, I'd be very grown up. I'd have an idea of what my future family would be like and I'd have some concept of where I'd be settling down. And tonight, I heard the song as someone that has the age of 30 lingering in her not so distant future, and I realized I have no idea.
I must mention that all through growing up, I was adamant about "not getting married til I am at least 30", because I knew even then that I wanted to live and grow and establish the person that I wanted to be before I committed to someone else. But something about society has really thrown that promise in my face lately, and I'm feeling the pressure way sooner than I expected to figure my life out.
I don't want you to get me wrong, I'm not against this whole aging thing - at all, really. It has just kind of completely sneaked up on me.
I don't want you to get me wrong, I'm not against this whole aging thing - at all, really. It has just kind of completely sneaked up on me.
I'm used to being the youngest of all of my friends. I'm used to people in the workplace being astounded at how young I am. I'm used to feeling like I was just in college yesterday, and just in high school the day before that. I'm not used to anyone commenting that I need to get on the marriage train, like a friend casually joked to me last week.
But my past is starting to feel a little further off than it previously had felt, and I'm beginning to actually feel a few steps closer to that age where, by society's standards, I should be figuring it all out.
So my final thought is that unfortunately for you, Society, I'll still be taking my dear sweet time. So I'd really appreciate if you'd quit pushing your standards on me.
After all, I'm only 25.
But my past is starting to feel a little further off than it previously had felt, and I'm beginning to actually feel a few steps closer to that age where, by society's standards, I should be figuring it all out.
So my final thought is that unfortunately for you, Society, I'll still be taking my dear sweet time. So I'd really appreciate if you'd quit pushing your standards on me.
After all, I'm only 25.
***
7 comments :
Ok so on this one, I don't even care that I'm the first to comment. I love this. You are so wise beyond your years. When I turned 30 this year, I was a little depressed because I felt like I hadn't squeezed enough life out of myself yet and that when you turn 30 you're starting to be really old. But then I stopped and looked around and realized, I'm living the dream. I am where I'm supposed to be right now. Similarly to the pressure you're under about marriage, I'm under pressure to have children ASAP. But I'm not ready and that's ok. I'm going to keep living my dream the way I want to. Like I've said before, the grass is always greener. When you get married, you'll have moments of wishing you were single again (this is not earth shattering news). Keep being your fabulous self because someone amazing is going to see that and want to snatch you up as quickly as possible. And if it takes a little bit for that person to find you, so what? As you get older, your fabulousness will just get better.
Hello, just found your blog, and I can only say that yes, you're so young! I'm an old lady of 37:) But I keep young by spending a lot of time with elderly people, lol.
I can totally relate to this. Especially after some fool at work told me I needed to get a 2 year marriage plan together much like my 2 year career plan...I'm only 25 I thought. What in the world do I know about relationships let alone marriage? And then the deep rooted fear of being forever on my own sunk in and I wondered if there was something wrong with me? I'm holding on to the fact that fate will lead me to the life that's meant for me. No sooner than it feel necessary.
By the way your recent Matisyahu posts reminded me how much I love his music - so thanks!
Wow, I really choked up reading this.
I find myself taking a look at my life at 22 and wondering if some of the things that I have (a serious boyfriend, a job that isn't me but pays well) are able to matter so much to me because of fear. I wouldn't change a thing now but I definitely see people who are not afraid of facing their 20s as their own person and feel a wave of respect for their courage. It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of.
The crazy thing about being single is that it can change in a heartbeat. If someone had told me I would meet Adrian when I was just 24 and that I'd get married two years later, I think I would have done things differently. But when I was 24, I wasn't really meeting many guys and I thought I wouldn't get married for years and years. Little did I know it takes just a moment to meet someone and everything changes.
Enjoy this time in your life!!
Just wait until you get closer to 30...and you still feel like you should be 24, and wonder where the heck the last 4 years of your life have gone. That's how I've felt the past couple weeks, as 28 looms closer. It's so hard to not live by society's ideals and to have your own timeline. I've found that timelines don't work though and you can't base your life on them, or else you'll feel like a failure if you haven't accomplished something by a certain age, when in fact you could just be headed a different direction than you thought you would :)
Maybe it's because I'm only one teeny tiny year away from 30, but over the past 4 or 5 years, I've stopped looking at myself and other people in terms of their ages. It is such a minor, completely unimportant piece of information about someone.
Sure, you're single (And good for you! I dreamed of getting married at 30, too, and we see how well that plan worked out!) at 25, but I've also got a friend who is almost 10 years older than you that is single and still having the time of her life. All of her options are still open. Marriage, maybe. Kids, maybe. The cool thing is - it's HER decision! Don't let society tell you when things are supposed to happen. That'll suck all the fun out of the journey!
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